~ BREAKING THE SILENCE ~
Whoosh. Deep breath.
This is the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever shared publicly (which is saying a lot for me – and hence the imagery). My body is literally shaking as I gather the courage to hit the “post” button.
Although I’ve been deeply called to share this for a while, I’ve been resisting like craaaazy.
Why? Because – this chapter was never supposed to be a part of my book. Not a woman like me. It would be so much easier to just rip those pages out & pretend it never happened.
But, behavior like this has been swept under the rug & gone un-checked for far too long – leaving traumatized souls in the warpath, desperately trying to make sense of what just happened and trying to put themselves back together again. Feeling ashamed and embarrassed for becoming a “victim” – a word that doesn’t even resonate with me. But, here I am.
There are many others in this exact situation right now — desperate to get out, and it’s not that easy. If I can be a light to show them the way, I have no other choice but to strike the match…
8 months ago, my daily prayers to God would begin with “what the f#&!!?” instead of the usual “thank you.” That’s the level of betrayal I was feeling. HE promised me that this is all for a greater purpose. Part of my soul contract. That I was going to heal myself and teach others how to do the same.
During that time period, I had days when I didn’t think I’d be able to pull myself out of bed. My mind was telling my body to get up, but I felt such a heaviness over me that I literally could not move – as if I was payalyzed. If it wasn’t for my daughters sake, perhaps I would have not? Yes, it was that bad. PTSD is a dark and heavy bitch. I’ve come a long way since then.
Let me start with this. I would NEVER put up with a man raising his voice, let alone his hand to me. I’m strong, intelligent, attractive, fun, funny, and I manifest like a mofo & always find the means to support myself. Why would I ever put up with behavior like that?
[TRIGGER WARNING for domestic violence below. Proceed with caution]
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Yet, almost 8 months ago, I found myself alone in a hotel room in the middle of the night, blood splattered on the sheets and the walls, bruises on my face and neck, hand fulls of my hair pulled out, and the police banging on the door as the man I “loved”, moved in with me, started a business with, & spent 15 months of my life with was fleeing the scene.
I wish I could say it was the first time it ever happened. It wasn’t. It was the worst & damn sure the last, though.
I didn’t press charges that night. I should have. One of my only life regrets. But, that points to how deep under-the-spell I was.
I’m here to break the stigma and the silence. I’m here to shine light on the subject. It happens more often than you think. Often in silence.
What people don’t understand — in these dynamics, the relationship always starts out SO mind-blowingly amazing. They are everything you ever wanted. The level of love and adoration thrown at you is intoxicating. “I’ve never met anybody like you before. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.” The chemistry is off the charts. He was fun and charming and attentive and handsome.
And then … the mask comes off. For me, it happened months later. You see who they really are. You don’t want to believe your prince charming is actually pure evil, though. Surely, we all have faults. Maybe he’s just having a bad day. Maybe it IS my fault. I mean, he promised he would quit drinking. And, it does take two, after all. You choose to still see the good times. We can get back there, right?
In my case, I thought that the size of my heart and the way that I love was so special that I could “save” him. I was going to be the one to stay by his side, since all the others left. I’m a healer, after all. I could help him. We are all inherently good. Some just need to be loved harder. Of course, that is why he showed up on my doorstep and I felt that jolt of electricity that first day we met.
I instantly knew he was going to be someone significant in my life. I was thinking more along the lines of soul mate + the most epic love story ever. But, the greatest catalyst to growth and healing (via the darkest of pathways) is the reality I received instead.
Now, my new mantra is, “I aint Jesus.” Meaning, it’s not my job to SAVE anybody. Sure, I can show the way, I can support you and love you and guide you. But, at the end of the day, we all have to save ourselves. And, I will never again sacrifice my precious energy and spirit for somebody else to feed off of — especially a user and abuser with no intention of doing the hard work to heal themselves.
And, then there is the shame and embarrassment. Your self-esteem is chipped away in a slow boil type situation … until you don’t even know who you are any more. The gaslighting and straight up lies. It’s all a massive head-fuck. Everything they ever loved about you is what they use to tear you down. It’s embarrassing to admit to others that you put up with this type of behavior and took them back again. Your mind and heart are literally at war with each other.
I have spent the last eight months going inward to find all the places inside of me that needed love & healing. I’ve learned to bring that desired love and comfort to MYSELF instead of trying to outsource it to someone else. I’ve been looking at all the co-dependent pieces of my fragmented self and digging in to discover what parts of me magnetized somebody so out of alignment and integrity into my field — and why I ALLOWED it to continue happening for over a year. Yuck.
I’ve also had to dig REALLY deep to forgive myself for betraying myself. And, to find a way to trust myself again. It’s been the darkest night of my soul, but I am now flying high in the light & love myself at depths I never knew.
And, I learned to forgive him too. Not because he asked for it or even deserves it – at all. But because, to me, forgiveness is the release of a frequency of hatred that I refuse to carry around in my own precious heart.
I forgive you and I thank you for helping me to grow into this unstoppable force of a woman I am. I’ve been humbled beyond belief, have developed deeper compassion for others than I ever thought was possible, and have been led to discover and heal every fragmented piece of myself back into wholeness. What a gift!
But, make no mistake. My FUCK YOU is just as sacred and powerful as my holy gratitude. You will never be welcome in my space. My prayer is that one day you will learn to turn your sword-of-destruction inwards to slay the dragon within … instead of destroying the hearts of those who have stood by your side & loved you the most.
Healing is not linear. On most days, I am really, really, good. I have a beautiful life, by design, that is full of peace and joy and friends and love and the ocean and dolphins and cuddles and purpose.
But, there are moments when I feel triggered and my heart races. Trauma sucks. But, I’ve been utilizing many tools to release it. The trigger moments are fewer & fewer as the days pass. I know part of my work, going forward, will be sharing what I’ve learned, discovered, and created in my own path to healing — and guide others to do the same.
I’m speaking up so that others in this same situation, who are drowning in shame, can know this: You are not alone. It’s NOT your fault. And, there IS a way out.
My heart shattered soooo many times in that relationship – much like my many iPhones and other personal items that were destroyed in the rages. Bruises. A cracked rib. A busted chin. My joint business account being robbed and legal partner agreement being violated – not honoring business contracts and leases, attorney fees – costing me great financial distress — but, those financial blows were nothing in comparison to the loss of my spirit.
And, while none of that was deserved or is even remotely okay — I also believe that we all have the power to alchemize our pain into purpose. It’s how we become superhuman. The cracks allow the light to seep in and bring us closer to God.
My ego experienced a thousand deaths in that relationship and I really, really love the human that I am today. My capacity to love. My capacity to see the good in others. My capacity to forgive. And my capacity to heal. And, I won’t allow any of that to ever be diminished.
I am WELL. I am happy. I am safe. I am loved. I am healing. I am on my soul’s path. God has big plans for me. This is part of my journey. I accept this. Yes, it was excruciating, but I am SO fkn STRONG right now. Please don’t send me your worry or sympathy – only your LOVE, healing/protection energy, and support is desired, if you feel so inclined.
I know there are others who are reading this who are either in a similar situation or trying to heal from one. I know the pain of your path. I see you. I feel you. I was you. I am you. You are not alone and you can heal too. Here for you! Reach out if you need support.
This is a time of great healing on the planet. It feels tumultuous, but a shift happening where toxic behavior is no longer going to be allowed to hide in the shadows and when humans no longer look away. Abuse will be called out. Abusers will be held accountable.
We are being called back to our divinity and to become closer to God. It’s a time for shining a light and doing the deep inner-work of healing ourselves and the planet. Not easy work, but so worth it. #healing #freedom #sovereignty #bliss
Sending big love. xx
Article By Dawn Gluskin
